Causes Secretive Behavior

I am steadfastly for monogamy. Adultery is almost certainly going to make a dent in trust and intimacy, and in many cases I’ve known, it has destroyed them altogether. A woman who is conducting a secret affair has to become deliberately deceitful … like a CIA agent or spy. She can’t just come home and spill forth the events of her day. She’s got to think, What can I safely talk about, and what have I got to keep to myself?

So even when the infidelity isn’t discovered, it changes who you are. A person goes from being a candid, open human being to a secretive, hidden one.

Bernie Zilbergeld, Nov, 1989 Homemade

Infidelity

There is a direct correlation between age at loss of virginity and having an affair later in life. In women who have their first sexual relationship at age 21, or later, cheating occurs with only 16%. But for those who have their first sexual relationship at a younger age, up to 50% cheat on a future mate.

Homemade, Vol. 10, No. 7, quoted from Female Sexuality

Letter to Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: You have printed many letters about extramarital affairs. Here are some things your readers should be aware of:

* About half the men and a third of the women who are cheating say they are perfectly content and there is nothing wrong with their marriages.
* Being religious does not prevent infidelity.
* Women are as willing as men to have an affair.
* Fewer than 10 percent of those having an affair will divorce their spouses to marry their lovers. A large percentage of those who do often have another divorce.
* People who have affairs are more likely to be divorced, distressed and disappointed.
* The chemistry that drives an affair lasts anywhere from a few weeks to three years before it cools down.

Infidelity can happen to anyone. Here are a few tips for your readers to affair-proof their marriages. I call them “the four P’s” for prevention:

* Be protective of your marriage. Avoid risky situations such as long lunches with a co-worker or drinks for two after work. Most people do not plan to be unfaithful.
* Be positive. Look for what is right in your spouse and tell him or her daily. People who have love affairs are often looking for appreciation and affirmation.
* Be polite. Always talk to your spouse with respect. Be careful what you say to each other and how you say it. Show courtesy and caring in the way you treat one another.
* Be playful, and make fun, sex, and humor a mainstay in your marriage. Schedule time to play with one another, and have a “date night” at least once a week.

Marriages can and do survive affairs, and many become stronger having weathered the crisis but not without pain and a genuine desire to recommit.

L.S., Ph.D., Seattle, Spokesman-Review, October 4, 1997

Dr. Tom McGuiness

Dr. Tom McGuiness, a counseling psychologist in New Jersey, gives this explanation of why many affairs take place:

“Married people seek out or succumb to affairs when they feel devalued or less than fully alive. They are bored. Overburdened. People who have affairs have a child’s deep longing to be touched, caressed, held, hugged and kissed, whether they admit it or not. They want happy surprises. That might mean a sentimental unexpected gift every once in a while. More important, it is the dependable gift of time and caring. The present of shared ideas, experiences, stories, nonsense and games, including sexual games. They want the world to butt out. They want a loving friend, a pal who isn’t judgmental. They want someone to convince them they’re still loved, lovable and very special. For a little while, now and then, they want out from under the grown-up responsibilities that have become predictable, dreary and difficult.”

If these are the reasons extra-marital affairs occur, couldn’t we guard against them by seeking to meet our mates’ deepest needs for affection, security, friendship, and sexual fulfillment? Maybe the best prevention for an affair outside marriage is to plan one with the man or woman we’re married to!

From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, by Ed Young (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers., 1994), pp. 122-123.